hi. it's me. cw

i'm almost 2 weeks out from a pretty significant shoulder surgery. typing with 1 hand is uber tough, but i wanted to give a little love to my joe and vino world of words. my mom, my older sis and my twin were unbelievably helpful, patient and supportive during week 1, whether it was simply not talking to me when i asked not to be talked to, washing my hair in the sink, or putting up with my crummy mood, i was so lucky to have these people here to take care of me, and a dad who checked in everyday. that said, i'd like to therapeutically share some observations and thoughts from the field of giant shoulder slings/immobilizers:

1. it's good to be small chested when you can't wear a bra for nearly a week.

2. it's good to be small chested when you graduate from no bra to being able to pull "free people" bandeaus over your waist and slowly up your torso with one arm.

3. no matter how clean you are and how immune you believed yourself to be from body odor, your arm pit will smell because its been pressed against the side of your rib cage without a real shower. you will have your most major meltdown on the phone with BIG as he calls to say hello and you have 24 hrs left until you're allowed to shower. as he slides the wash cloth delicately but sufficiently into said armpit you think three things: 1. this person and i will never again have any sort of report, he is washing my armpit and 2. i could possibly end up with this person, he is washing my armpit. 3. this person is washing my armpit and attempting to comfort me saying he smells like that after 18 hrs. this is the only conversation you've had all day, claire.

4. meltdowns will occur at very strange times, such as when you cannot move rapidly enough to kill a bug in your apt, need a ponytail or the world might end, or mangle an entire avocado trying to peel and slice it and anything salvageable slips off the counter.

5. when at home recovering you will learn the worst show on television is "i didn't know i was pregnant".  The situations usually involve a woman believing she has a stomach ache then out comes a baby in the toilet or some other unexpected forum such as a restaurant.  okay lady where was your aunt flo for NINE months and really? REALLY?? omg i cannot even talk about it

6. when at home recovering you'll learn the best show on television is "bethenny ever after". she's an anxious kook in an amazing i-want-to-be-friends-with-her sort of way. you also are 100% sure she'll think you're pretty great, but this could be an illusion of the mind since you have suddenly stopped releasing endorphins on a regular basis or engaging in normal social interaction.

7. everyone will say really annoying insensitive things about your sling/brace. below are a few questions/answers
Q: oh geez! how long are you in that thing???
A: 6 weeks total.
Q: holy crap, how many do you have left?
A: 4 more, im 33% there (note positive attitude)
Q: UGH that sucks!!! (no pick up of positive attitude) you don't sleep in it, right??
A: yes. i sleep in it.
[ this could go on.... ]

8. you will be forever haunted by the tales of anesthesia that are recounted to you and then remembered, and after learning the surgeon tells your mom "she needs some time, she is extremely agitated," you will wonder what on earth you said to him.

9. dr. warner saw your boobs (ok not a big deal but still true)

10. for three hours.

11. i was told i'd have 4 small incisions and i have 5 and nobody can explain why. if i learn in 2054 the government has been tracking me i'll know when it started.

12.  i can do eyeliner with my left hand (but cannot slice an avocado)

13. i will remember how frustrating this is/was, minor in comparison to what people go through, and i will volunteer for the boston chapter of wounded warriors to try to help and brighten the days of veterans who deal with much worse.

14. the one person who's broken your heart perhaps gives the best ponytails of any Y chromosome on the planet. it almost makes it worse but you actually really need a ponytail.

15. you fantasize that maybe you'll meet your future husband at your post-op but end up in the waiting room with 2 old ladies and a guy with the same sling as you but no immobilizer pillow, therefore you automatically hate him.

16. the trainer who mouths "you poor thing" each time he walks by as i pedal slowly on the stationary bike with my headphones on is about to get punched in the face.

17. also, trainer i want to punch, the tattoo of someones head/face on your calve wasn't a great idea.

18. it's okay to get a ride from a guy named chris in the coast guard uniform when no cab would drive you a mile and you were late to a meeting downtown and underestimated the walk. bewilderment can indeed be spotted across the street. thanks coast guard chris.

19. your boss can indeed turn a frown upside down by forcing you to work the words "nanny" and "crazy merry-go-round" in your last footwear presentation to reps from europe after a very draining day. you will pretend you're choking or something is wrong with your sling to keep from completely losing it.

20. my friends are amazing. and kind. and help me laugh. and listen to me cry. and help me cry laughing when one of them photoshops objects onto my giant sling and takes care of my "ponytail situation".

33% of the way there.
xo,
cw