the remnants of bangs.

my dear friend Kay shared with me a blog written by one of her friends to herself from a better version of herself. i cannot even remotely take credit for the idea, but i was so inspired by this girl's letter to younger self that i decided to be a copycat and write one to my younger self too. like her, i will not write a dramatic explanation to defend my reasons, but i'll just do it.

dear 18 year old claire,
you're a senior in high school; you stare at those remnants of bangs in the mirror every morning. those wisps of hair that are taking longer to grow out that it did for the neanderthal to evolve into man. emily will get her license this summer (mom and dad admit in 5 years that delaying her license as punishment for the whole "not responsible with her braces thing" was not the way to go), but just so you know, she's using your license and driving the oldsmobile to see buddy teschner anyway. Oh yeah, she and megan also guessed your passcode (supernovaclassic) for desktop publishing and they're copying all of your work. you'll find this out end of the school year and you'll just laugh.

anyway claire - killer field hockey season. you're coming off being selected 1st team all district, and 1st team all region and MVP of the oakton high school field hockey team. you'll make a recruiting video with coach ersham and you'll wear your favorite orange adidas pullover as you talk about yourself as a center midfielder, (bad choice, doesn't look good on camera and yeah, those random bangs were indeed as bad as you thought they were). right now you think you'll play field hockey in college, but you won't. you'll run in college, graduating with all of your teeth and probably a much smaller butt than you would've left with had you played hockey. you don't even end up choosing where you to go college until after the AP exams this spring. yes, you waited that long to make a decision and totally stressed dad out, but you do get a 5 out of 5 on English (i know, mom was shocked too), but a 2 out of 5 on Government. this is because you sit next to adam king, who you end up going to prom with but megan makes out with, but only because you go home right after prom due to the fact that by may your crush on him wears off.  (i know you don't believe me).

back to college - i know you love field hockey, but you think you can be an okay runner after a breakthrough in April this year as a senior, and you actually end up turning full blown runner girl. i promise you actually get fairly fast, but you basically suck until your junior year of college. i know, seems like forever, but leading up to it you have some pretty ridiculous injuries, shed an enormous amount of tears, but know in your heart you want to do this and because of who you are, you believe in yourself. you deal with a stress fracture in your femur, the shingles (yeah, david letterman gets them the same year you do), ridiculous achilles tendonitis, and overall being unfit because when you're that hurt, you get out of shape. also, your freshman year dhall changes the frozen yogurt machine mix to actual custard, and you're eating way too much of it. i also know this warning will do nothing, because you'll do it anyway, but stop it with the fake cappucino machines 8x a day. you get 4 cavities from it by sophomore year.

you finally stay healthy and summer of 2002, going into the fall are finally injury free and logging consistent mileage and your body is just changing. you've never run like this, and its new. and you're good at it. you're 3rd at the time trial, running workouts with the All-American on the team, PRing out of your mind, and loving every second of it. because of this, the pressure will get to you; your teammates going through a hard time will accuse you of not being healthy. you'll have an emotional breakdown running the lollipop loop at Dayton (7 mile tempo run where the smell will cause everyone's gag reflex to kick in), and you'll start counting calories and realize you're eating at least 4,000 a day, (not to mention a bag of swedish fish after every race). you're going to pretty much have to go the bathroom during every workout day though because this kind of running is a shock to your system, but your coach learns this and works with the school to have the bathrooms unlocked by the track. any embarrassment is curbed by your sense of humor, and you still look back at this and sort of laugh. you'll feel bad for your friends who went through such a hard time with the pressure of college running and you'll be able to talk about it as adults. but every time you eat a swedish fish, you'll think back to when you were 106 lbs and had the metabolism of a deer.

collegiate running will be one of the most memorable times of your life. you'll have workouts with teammates you never forget, share stories during easy runs in the Arb, extended Watertown, and on Llama loop that will stay with you even 10 years later. you make a bond with these people that is unbreakable. you'll compare yourself to the runner you used to be (and you still do), and i need to let you know that you'll have a really hard time letting it go. you'll almost take out a vomit-inducing mega student loan to run the remainder of your eligibility under an amazing coach who makes you believe he can take you from good to great. this is all shattered when the Athletic Director at West Point successfully petitions the league against your eligibility since you were not in the conference undergrad, and because this is unfair to military schools who have no grad programs to attract athletes with eligibility left. Ironically, West Point is where you completely eff your knee up on a cool down senior year that would have your heart burning to keep running and apply to grad school in the first place. even more ironic, the 3rd time "West Point" punches you in the stomach, won't be until 10 years later... but like the other two times, you heart will hurt, but you'll learn an incredible amount.... i promise you this.

you keep running but get a real job, and its a blessing in disguise. you'll get over it and realize you never really wanted to go to grad school. in fact, 10 years from now, you won't even remember the exact name of the graduate program you not only got into, but convinced your parents in an academy award winning speech that you were passionate about enrolling in. but this sudden twist to the plot and heartwrenching change of plans will ignite your career path in the way it was supposed to, and might not seem like it for the first two years.

these first two years of finding your in the working world are really tough, and you're going to be pretty lonely. you'll have a job where you drive around all day and sleep in hotels, evangelizing running shoes and brand personality to staff at dicks sporting goods and the finish line. for the first year you have to wear a polo shirt too... (i know, adds insult to injury). Because you grew up working in running stores, you hate this. you hate these people, and are too young and immature to see they are good people, just not the "mold" where you came from and are still really important to the business. you'll be a mariott "guest of the day" far too many times, and each time met with confusion because at 23 you still look 17. you'll be frustrated by the unfulfilled feelings you have at the end of each day in this job, and one time you actually drive three hours to a Dicks Sporting Goods in Princeton, NJ, but you can't get out of the car. you have some sort of weird panic attack that makes you freeze in the parking lot, and you actually never go in, but instead go to panera, set up your laptop and wipe tears over a bagel with strawberry creme cheese. you then go do 400 repeats on the Princeton University track. with the exception of that pathetic story, (which you pretty much should've been fired for), you work really hard because that's what you do.  i can tell you this, you'll stand out. you'll be noticed by a lot of people, including a very well respected man in a big big job who will intersect with you only briefly, but will immensely impact the path you journey down. he'll take a chance on you for a big job when you're only 24, and he'll tell all the doubters the reason he hired you.

his reason. "i can teach her the job but you can't teach spark."
those words will stick with you forever. in tough times, in upsetting times, you'll remember that. you'll cling onto those words at the oddest times, even years after they were spoken.

you'll spend three-ish years in seattle. you'll learn so much, have to carry the torch through another mentor resigning, and its here where you really start to make a name for yourself. but deep down you know how important your incredible family is to you, and that being so far away isn't something that can be permanent. you're going to learn utter tragedy for the first time, when a friend is quickly taken away while you're overseas. you won't talk about it all the time, but you'll think about it all the time, because you and this girl hit it off so well, and she left an imprint on you. you think of Liz when people are careless with others, because Liz showed you how suddenly something can change, and while it was so tragic, you know she left the earth on good terms with everybody because she was just one of those people.

you'll have your first "long" relationship, which was totally wrong the whole time. you sort of know it, but you're young, you're new in a city with gray skies and a lot of rain, and you stay comfortable. there is a night on your bedroom floor over the holidays with your two sisters sobbing and explaining their concern of this "wrong" person. you scream so loud and awful that it causes your parents to cry. this is something you'll always remember, because even though you were young and its okay to be wrong and learn from it, you'll never forget how incredible your sisters are, even in moments that turn shockingly ugly. you don't have just a good family, you have a great family, and share genes with two other girls who are fantastic, rare, incredible people.

know that 10 years from now, you have absolutely incredible friends. the fox mill girls are still your best friends. that's right, the same girls who went through life since wee little 4 and 5 year olds are just as much in your life as they were those freezing mornings at swim practice when the coaches would throw you in the pool, those summer nights playing kick the can, and that day etched in your memory when four 9 year old's stood up for you on the blacktop when derek hamilton banned you from kickball, and called you acid girl making fun of your skin. you have each others backs, and though you're all in a different state with different lives and passions, you're locked in each other's hearts. you meet a girl working in the same running store you work in now at 18, (you end up running the place next summer and you'll have a situation where you pick up a pair of running shorts covered in urine), and she becomes one of your best friends too, your sister in running. you work college breaks and summers together, and probably eat $1,000 worth of harvest bars, but justify to each other that it compensates for low wage.  add to theses special friends a michigan girl you work with in seattle, who you might not see all the time but your every-other-day phone calls makes it seem like you do. you'll meet twins by happenstance at a marathon expo, and while their life adventures take them elsewhere, you know they are life keepers too. as i write this to you, younger claire, you're not married. you're not even close, but you wonder about your wedding day. 8 bridesmaids is a lot, but you'll cross that bridge when you get there and 2 girls can always walk down the isle with 1 guy anyway.

you leave seattle for boston january 22nd, 2009. its a dramatic resignation, as the CFO of your company reacts so poorly that the CEO and HR spend hours calling you the next day. though you had to throw away contact lenses you stayed professional in your frye boots (you own 2 pair), and you didn't burn any bridges. its terribly traumatic moving somewhere new again, without a group, without a foundation but i promise that you end up loving boston. you adore your new boss and mentor, (who was best friends with your two old bosses), but frequently remind him that this is why there are no women in the running shoe industry, as moving is emotionally scarring. that said, you moved for the right decisions, to be on the same coast as the fam, and to be instrumental in changing something big, to be a part of something amazing and where you can put your passions and energy into. you'll be thrilled with where your career is going and what you're learning; despite frustrations and normal stress that comes with jobs, and you'll see amazing parts of the world through the eyelits of a running shoe. on days where you're really lonely and wishing the fox mill girls still lived down the street, wishing you could tell stories with dorothy on her moms couch for hours, or watch 3 hours of TV with jen and laugh so hard you don't make a noise.... days like that, you wonder if this whole career thing has been worth it.

to make matters worse claire, about 10 years from now you'll have your first heartbreak. i know, you make it a long time right? while you have massive insecurities you actually end up breaking a few hearts yourself. you never talk about guys with mom and dad, but they'd be proud to know you're a good person about it, never do anything wrong, you just aren't with the right people and when you know, you end it. when you move to boston you think you meet someone pretty significant. it's about a year of a rollercoaster.... a few different kinds, and it takes you a while to realize this is utterly unjustifiable. the person had some kind of affect on you though that you might never figure out, some sort of "hook" that would reel you back in and make you think that it's really happening this time, the start of something normal. it never did happen, and it basically crushes you. maybe our 29 year old self will be able to see the situation more clear, but we don't know that yet.

while i write this to you wishing i had the above paragraph figured out, i don't. i know at 18 you think you'll of course be married at 28. you're not. i know, you've never cared about all the planning, and the wedding stuff, but you looked at 28 as pretty grown up. at 28 we are pretty grown up, but we still have a lot to learn about life.  i have to tell you that at 18 i don't think you realize how lucky you are to have the sisters that you do. while emily is your twin, there are ebbs and flows in life when you're sort of each other's protector. audrey isn't your weird, bossy, controlling sister, she's your big sister, who recognizes how great you are and tells you how endearing you are to people and that when you step back from a situation and have given a piece of yourself to someone else, and can honestly say you didn't get a piece back, well then its just not fair for her little sister.

mom and dad still worry about all of us, and they'll have that 1980's tile kitchen until 2009. dad's paranoia of appliances being left on is also passed down to you via learned habits, and you waste about 5 minutes every morning going back into the various apartments you live in to double check the hair straightener. mom still sings that "heaven...i'm in heaven" song each time she tries a delicious food, and whenever you hear this song on a tv commercial your heart smiles really big.

you sort of realize it at 18, but i can tell you 10 years from now you'll see that you have the kind of parents that take your breath away. you'll get older and want to do things for your parents. excel at a career not only because you love it, but because they love watching, find a guy not just because you want one, but so that your parents can be happy knowing you'll be safe. you'll realize they gave their whole lives for you, emily, and audrey, and that they are so, so proud of you. this spring dad will come to the track meet at chantilly even when you begged him not to, because yes, you have to run the 2 mile and you suck at anything longer than the 800. you'll see his indiana jones hat sticking up behind the bleachers because he's hiding. you're going to be really annoyed and upset, but when you get older you realize how memorable of a moment this was. you come from two people who would move the earth if it meant not missing a single moment.

well i've written a long letter. i'm sure at 18 your patience has run thin, you're in a fight with emily on who gets to be on instant messenger, and you decided yet again to postpone your spanish homework until right before class during lunch period. don't worry, you somehow ace every single vocabulary test, due to your absurd system of remembering what the spanish words means (shoulder = el hombro, which you remember by thinking 'an umbro sports bra goes over the shoulder').

at 28 you don't have life figured out. you feel great about your career and you've landed with 2 feet on the ground but you're ready for the personal life part and it hasn't happened yet. you've seen hard times, you've been through quite a bit for 28, and you have heaps of perspective. i will tell you the most important thing you need to know is this: while life will throw you plenty of curve balls these next 10 years... it becomes apparent to you as you grow up that rarely do people know what it feels like to have a safety net that travels under them as they move along the tightrope of life.

know that you not only do have one, but its enormous and sturdy as hell.

xoxo,
claire